ST NEOTS MANS GRISTLE DISPLAY PLEA
A man from the Crescent has sent out a series of pleas to enable him see through his dream of holding a display of gristle in time for this year's St Neots Town Charity Dragon Boat Race.
Simon Everts, like we said, from the Crescent, has been assembling the gristle from Cornish pasties in little tupperware tubs for the past 3 1/2 years and has now built up enough to exhibit his impressive collection for all to admire. 'It all started one lunchtime when I was hungry,' he explained to the St Neots Liar. 'So I bought a Ginsters pastie (whose tagline is 'good honest food') and was staggered to find 11 pieces of gristle in it. From that moment on I was both hooked and fascinated. 1. by what was the most bits of gristle I could find in a single pasty and 2. how the hell do they get away with it? The average find is seven, but my personal record is 16.'
Simon hit upon the idea of displaying his haul when he ran out of space for his 1,348 bits of gristle in his fridge. But now he is looking for some little clear-topped boxes to exhibit the gristle, possibly a folding table to put them on and a venue for his remarkably chewy exposition. Possible locations have been the foyer at Bowl and Eat, on that bit just outside the Codfather, and at the top of the stairs on the bridge leading down to the Riverside Park on the day of the St Neots Town Charity Dragon Boat Race 2013.
Ello my lovely reader`s its Foggy Herbert `ere, your favorite ditch dwelling ninja! Its been a lovely week this week. Mother nature been a bit out of sort`s of late what with the icy wind and patches of snow, she just cant make `er mind up! Ditch life can be a bit grim when its nippy out! Food is hard to come by, and I regularly have to catch me grub! Well this week I had a cravin' for a nice bit of fish and where better to catch one than Grafham water. The area`s largest lake is rammed full of lovely rainbow trout mmmmmm scrumdidlyumptious! Well me n' ODB my furry little general, took a lovely stroll out of town`s and headed for the lake. When we got there the fly fishermen were out in full force, whippin' there rods back n forth, you gotta be careful they dont have yer eye out with their barbed fly`s! Well ol' Foggy`s not got a rod. I use the slightly unorthadox method of trout ticklin' which my ol' friend Morgan Freeman taught me on our boatin' trip to the lake district a few years back! Its bloody easy I tell yer! Well I rolled me trouser`s up and took me boots off and waded into a shallow area. You gotta stand nice n' still now, no sudden movement`s! I spy`s one little fella swimmin' toward`s me. I reached down put me hand under the fish`s tail and usin' me forefinger I tickled his tail and gradually moved me finger toward`s his belly and just as I reached his gill`s, I grabbed the bugger and lobbed it onto the shore! With a big hefty THWACK wiv me ammer' he`s in me onion sack and I`m onto me next one. Well I ad' quite a fruitful afternoon I tell yer ticklin' and a thwackin'! The sun was startin' to go down as we deciced it was time we was headin' on home, we just ad'to get past those bloody fly fishin' lot on the edge on the lake." We gotta avoid gettin' hooked" I say`s to ODB! I crouched round the back of em' and slowly crept by. ARRRRRRGGGGH one of the b@#*@r`s got me! Then a second one hooked me whiskers and pulled out a big clump! To top it all off a third came whistlin' by me ead' and on its way back caught the edge of me big overcoat puttin' a big rip in it! "Enough of this bloody nonsence!" I bellowed any more and Foggy`s gettin' his stick out! Well another fly hook came whizzin' by catching the top of me hat and whisked it right of me bonce. In a flash I whipped out me pointy stick ripped out the fly hook`s and leapt into action! I action rolled over to one fisherman thrustin' me weapon at his tallywacker! I`m pretty sure I ruptured one of his plum`s cos he was howlin' like a big baby! One chunky ol' boy whipped his filletin' knife out and came right at me, so I`s harpooned the toad right through his shoulder and the silly sod fell arse first in the water. I sneaked me shovel out and took one fella`s head nearly clean off his shoulder`s! "That`s ow' Foggy roll`s!" I say`s "oo want`s a bunch of five`s eh?" Well, on the water I see these two halfwit`s in a rowin' boat tryin' to escape so I hopped on a nearby jet ski and went in pursuit of em'! shwish swhish, I come flyin' up to the side of their boat. One of the stoopid fool`s swung his oar at me but I leapt from the jet ski with a flyin' kung foo kick right in his chopper. Takin' out me shovel I wedge it right up his bum flap and slung him over the side of the boat. The other fisherman cowered in the corner weepin' like a mummy`s boy! "YOU LIKE FISH BOY?" I say`s sternly, "WELL NOW YOUR GONNA SWIM WITH EM'! I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and lobbed him head first into the water! Job done! Now it`s time for Foggy`s din din`s! well I rowed on back to the shore where me trusty furry lil' mate ODB was sittin' patiently for his master! "Come on boy you can help me cook up a nice lil' treat for us." So we headed on home to our ditch with big beamin' smile`s! What a lovely day out!
When ticklin' a trout just use the forefinger! That`s the one the ladies like! heheh