'Ello my little scrumpy`s Ol Foggy Herbert ere' Its been a strange ol' week this week aint it just! The bloody weather cant make its soddin' mind up snow, wind rain and a nice bit of sunshine! Me ditch as' bin over flowin` this week so I`ve ad' to bed down elsewhere! the other mornin' I woke to find all me nic-naks floatin' around so I thought enough`s enough! Well Monday night I found a nice warm shed to kip in but I woke to find a trowl wedged up me 'arris'! Not a nice experience I must say! !There has to be somewhere better to nap in" I says to my furry lil' chum OL dirty b@#*@#*d. Well it just so happens later that day we stumbled across an old skip near the building site on loves farm! "Ah" I say`s "its a room fit for a king! Full of lovely treasure`s! arf' eaten burger`s soggy chip`s even a nice corn beef and piccalilli sandwich!" I couldn't believe my luck! someone ad' even dumped and old yellow stained mattress in there! That night ol' foggy n ODB slept like babies! Well the next mornin' I awoke to a right ol' commotion goin' on as some daft sod ad' seen me fuzzy white hair pokin out of me onion sack beddin' and called all is' mate`s over to have a butcher`s! "Knob off you scallywag`s!" I say`s, "foggy`s avin' forty winks!" Well these builder`s were not overly chuffed at bein' told to knob off and they started pullin' at me onion sack and givin` ol foggy a ear bashin'! Well I rolled out of me onion sack in just me pants whilst gettin' old' of me pointy stick in a full on sweepin' ninja move! "I`m a kung foo master" I warned em' "back off now before I open up a can of whoop ass!" Well they all fell about laughin' at ol' foggy and that was just around the time the red mist kicked in! Well I did warn em' didn't I? I swung me stick at one cheeky rascal whilst spinnin' on me ankles and taking three of em' out with a round house kick! I punched one big ol' boy in the gizzard's whilst forcin' me stick up is' bum! I`ll have your bloody eyes out you orrible' lot I say`s! Six of em' ad' me surounded and as they edged closer one grabbed me from behind and pulled me knickers up right over me shoulders well I broke free and like a panther, I forward rolled thru one fella`s legs grabbed me shovel from me onion sack and thwacked I'm round the back of is' leg`s! "come on then you f@#*@n' maggot`s! Foggy`s got a present for ya!" I spun round on me heel`s, thwackin' and a smashin' me way through the yard! I saw one wazzock, the site foreman me think`s, lyin' on the floor cryin' like a right bloody mummies boy! I knelt on his chest and pinned him to the ground. Who`s the daddy?" I say`s WHO`S YA F@#*@N' DADDY? "Foggy Herbert" he wimpered. "Right you are" I says "Now dont you bloody forget it!" Well the rest of em ad' legged it, run off like a bunch of cowardly girl`s, and who can blame em' eh'? I am a bit tasty with my shovel and stick! well that`s all from me my lovely Herbertites! til next week Tata!
When fightin' an army of burly builder`s, a pointy stick up the rusty bullet wound can floor a man with one flick of the wrist!